It’s not something to bring up in a normal conversation.  But, then again, I’m not normal.  But does anyone else have difficulty in wiping their ass?  No, literally.  As you get older the body is not as agile as when we were younger, especially the talent of toilet sitting.  Waking up with aches and pains are “the pits” but aches and pains during potty duty are a real pain in the butt.  It’s an art in itself.  Arthritis in the back, hands, arms, legs and feet become a wiping nightmare.  As a woman, we were taught as a young girl that women wipe the who-who toward the front and the rectum toward the back.  The reason obvious…keep out infection in the birthing orifice.  I am amused at the sounds that come from the bathroom while one is cleaning up.  Need to have a book of pooping etiquette.  Bill had me in stitches.  Actually his thumb was in stitches at this particular incident.  Try wiping with a bandaged thumb.  He’s right handed…so I guess it would depend on which hand you normally use as to how successful you are.  Sorry Bill…I love you to death but you’ll just have to use your left hand and hope for the best.  I am not wiping your ass.  Then, one time last week my sciatic nerve was giving me fits.  Pooping was even a pain… not to mention the wiping part.  I can say I know the true meaning of having a “potty mouth”.  Your only relief is cussing!  And do you notice the amount of toilet paper you are now using?  Need to buy stock in Scot

We are getting things pretty much back to normal around here.  Dusty sold his house in Katy and has moved in to Magoo’s old house.  We have taken so much stuff to Good Will that we could have opened our own resale shop and made a fortune.  I loved my daughter-in-law Michele so much but she was a “pack rat” and the crap she had was amazing.  We have had a real inkling to move further out…maybe La Grange or Somerville area.  Great time to sell with bank rates so low for buyers.  And we have had so many people ask about our house.  Since we don’t owe anything it would be a handsome sum for the rest of our retirement.  Fulshear is really growing and the traffic is getting just like Katy.  BAD!

I see foot surgery in my future!  Made an appointment with my wonderful podiatrist, Dr. Robert Parker.  He removed my bone spurs on my left foot several years ago and will now be doing the right one. If you have ever had bone spurs you know what I’m talking about…if you haven’t they hurt like the devil and make for very uncomfortable walking.  I can’t wait for this surgery.  Almost as good as getting my ileostomy bag “Izzie” removed.  A day that will live in infamy.  Running around the swim pools all my life barefooted have difinity taken it’s toll on the feet.  I know my body is saying “la-la-land” again?  I really hope I don’t say too much when I’m coming out of that crap.  I’ll have Dr. Parker take notes so I can put it in my blog. 

Lani arrives tomorrow.  I am so excited.  We have a lot to catch up on.  She called me this morning to tell me that when TJ (Mr. Wonderful, Lani’s other half who is a golf pro) arrived at work this morning they found a dead man on the 4TH hole of the golf course.  Shot gun wound to the chest.  So he has been taking the police back and forth to the 4Th hole,  in the golf cart.  Talk about a “shotgun” start!  A hole in one (someone that is), someone got teed off,  or right down the middle shot.  I know ..not amusing.  Anyway, waiting to hear all the details.  Should be a doozy!

Was supposed to have a book signing at the Methodist Church in Brookshire this past Saturday but Houston had the torrential down pour and that would not have been profitable for my book.  No one wants a wet book.  I truly am grateful for the invitation to come but it did not work out.  I hope the church made money on the BBQ part of their fundraiser.  My daughter-in-law Jennifer went with me to help me set up but we had to turn around and find shelter..which we did at a bar in Katy.  Had delicious Mexican food and a few beers.  Didn’t even know it was raining…or care!  Thanks Jen!

Love and peace to you all.
Ride,Baby,Ride!
Leilani

Nothing like being busy during retirement.  So this is a Tuesday update. 

I have to let everyone know who attends the breakfast prayer group that I had the best time at Krista’s house.  The group is made up of courageous ladies who are or have battled different cancers.  A very inspirational group.  The entertaining brunch is full of female gossip and encouragement.  Discussions from the way women are treated at Discount Tire to the rudeness at ATT (of which I am very familiar).  One lady lost her husband recently and was telling all about the insurance company woes.  There again I am going through the same crap with dad.  One lady lives in a very nice neighborhood and has hoodlums shooting out windows on her street at night and seem to elude the cops.  One lady has a next door neighbor who is really nice but their son plays his music so loud that when he is outside it vibrates everything within 2 city blocks.  Dishes in the cabinet play music to the booming of the bass.  I’m sure that did not set in well during her chemo therapy when her brain cells were in fog mode and were vibrating against each other to the sound of Rap music.  So I decided there should be “BASS REVENGE”!  In the middle of the night turn up the stereo next to the teens window and play something so out of his league like Dean Martin or Sinatra.  Really blow his mind. 

Bevers appointment went really great.  CA125 was a “3”!  That was the best news and pelvic exam went well.  The “Bev” was running a little late so I complained of having to sit  with exposed twat for longer than usual.  When he did get to me he had a nurse practitioner in training with him.  Number one…I do not like women messing with my who-who.  In my book …that’s a man’s duty.  I liked her but I’m sure she will want to change professions after examining me. Well, Dr. Bevers told me to break her in.  And I did!!! I informed the Bev that I did perfume the privates for him.  Of which he said he was most appreciative.  After all it is not lady like to go to an pelvic exam not prepared.  So without pants and dressed to the “T” from the waist up…Pink silk blouse, pink pistol necklace, pink scarf, and pink hat, I made the best dressed list for who-who exams.  Dr. Bevers said he was sorry that I had to go without my pants for so long but it was worth it for him to see me decked out from the waist up!   After the appointment Bill and I met daughter -in-law Jennifer for lunch at Willie Ice-house.  (Best seafood gumbo…FYI).  A lady walks up to me and said “are you Dr. Bevers patient that wrote the book”?  Yes.  Dr. Bevers said you’d be here and that you were wearing a pink, straw cowboy hat.  I’m thinking…surprised he didn’t say look for the woman with no pants on.  Her name is Olivia and she bought a book on line while at the rest .  She had just been told she was cancer free.  Celebration for sure.  We just pray it stays away.

We have a good friend of ours son staying in the garage apartment.  Although Rodney will be moving out soon. We have really enjoyed having him here.  He owns a kayak which sits under the carport in it’s storage bag. Every time I see it I have to laugh.  It looks like the body bag for the Jolly Green Giant or a morgue baggie for Goliath.  Rodney purchased a house and will be moving out soon.  It was nice to have two young men staying here (Dusty too)…felt really safe.  I just had to make sure everyone knew everyone’s work schedule so no one got shot!

Speaking of shot!  Bill and I were fingerprinted for our concealed gun license yesterday.  Talk about a hoot.  All digital now with the computer.  They had to redo mine twice.  My right hand especially.  I was like, print-less.  First, she asked if I had ever been fingerprinted before.  I said …no.  She asked if I had burned my hands badly as a kid…no.  It was so funny.  Finally got the best prints they could.  So I guess if you want something sinister done , I’m your girl….I leave no prints!  HA!  Bill on the other hand, was already on file because of his time in the Air Force.  But new ones were taken for him with no incident.  Glad you don’t have to take a hearing test! 

Mom and dad mockingbirds are in mourning.  We feel that a snake got her 4 eggs.  We had our neighbors over for dinner one night last week and we found one egg on the ground a few feet from the nest.  All others were gone.  Now they come in a sit for a while then leave.  It’s so sad because we saw how hard they worked.  Sometimes I just hate nature and how it treats us.  I know…part of God’s plan…everything has to eat…but not a frigging snake!  A special thank you to neighbors Bernie, Ernie, Sandy and Marvin for coming to dinner.  We are thankful for all the things you have done for us and offered to do when our health problems were making things difficult.  It was our pleasure to have you share our table.

Lani will be in next week.  I’m so excited.  Casey will be over today to give me a hair trim and do some electrical work for us.  I am trying to let my hair grow out a bit but I’m so used to it being short that it’s hard for me to tolerate.  Have to find some style that goes with my fat cheeks.  The ones on my face!  The other fat cheeks have their own problems.  Bill has been behaving himself.  Had a huge list of honey-do’s to keep him out of my hair.  He told me yesterday that he was out of hearing aid batteries.  I really don’t know what difference it makes.  I guess we just support Ray-o-vac because he can’t hear with them either. 

HUGS to all,
Ride,Baby,Ride!
Leilani

Between Bill and daddy mockingbird it is a toss up of which one drives me more nuts!  Momma mock is settled in her two story condo keeping her four beautiful blue speckled eggs warm.  Meanwhile, daddy mock is fighting with the mockingbird he sees in the trucks two side mirrors.  He thinks another male is in his territory.  Bill is constantly cussing at this stupid bird because he has to clean bird poop off the mirrors daily.  I keep telling Bill that the bird is helping you get your exercise.  Otherwise, you’d be in your recliner with beer in one hand and remote in the other.  Sound asleep!  Now thoroughly pissed off….Bill has come up with a plan, a scheme, an ambush, to keep the bird away.  He has duct taped wash-rags over the mirrors!!!!!  I think Magoo has been visiting Bill while he sleeps.  I laughed my ass off when I looked out and the bird had moved to the windshield!  What are you going to do know Bill?  Duct tape a sheet to the windshield?  Bill says…the bird doesn’t know that he has a gun license.  And I said…even if he did, he’s a mockingbird…you know, state bird of Texas…protected…jail time in your near future.  Bill is now back in his recliner trying to figure out plan B.  Heard him mumbling something about a mockingbird remote.

Speaking of Bill with a gun license…..we both took the concealed weapon class on Friday.  I learned a lot.  The gun laws are something else.  But warning… Bill and Leilani are now equipped with a Texas concealed handgun license.  Don’t ask me what we plan to do with it but I figured with the way things are in this world and if that little bastard, the pres. of North Korea, gets any ideas…we are ready!!!!  Bill forgot his hearing aid!   No surprise, right?  So while the entire class is blasting away at the “paper man”….Bill is three shots behind everyone else.  Having to wear those earphones to save your hearing only made it worse.  Then it took him forever to load his pistol because his thumbs have arthritis and the man did not take notes for the test.  Now…we are taking the written test.  Fifty questions and everyone whips through it except …you know who!  So the instructor, famous for his reputation to pass everyone…even people named Bill…leaves the room so everyone can help Bill finish!  Did I mention he forgot his glasses too? 

Dusty had a very successful garage sale on Saturday.  He is selling his house.  Too many memories left there.  I mean we got rid of everything.  I’d almost forgotten how exhausting those sales are.  It takes one days to get ready and then the day of you are about to drop on site.  But you muster the energy to argue over the price of a pair of underwear and that ugly picture frame your grandmother gave you that you can’t even get rid of at a “white elephant” party.  Honestly, the Merlot never tasted so good. 

Thank you to good friend Benny who took me out for a nice dinner at Ray’s.  Had the steak and lobster tail and a wonderful bottle of Cab.  We had so much fun talking over old times and new ones.  Benny has been so sweet to help sell my book for the ovarian cancer research fund.  Friends are such a major part of healing and I was glad that we could help each other through our surgery woes.  Life is good!  I pray for all of you that have made my life so special.  Many of you I have never met…what a great world.

Sorry the blog was running late today.  Had to take Starr to the vet for her 6 month check up.  Sure was funny not having Moochie there with us.  No one was saying his name because Starr still looks for him when we do.  We just refer to him as her brother.  Bill stayed to direct the weed-eaters on where to cut and Starr and I Jeeped it all the way to town.  Two hundred and sixty dollars later, I am informed she needs her teeth cleaned and a chest x-ray. (Found a small heart murmur, goes with the age…14).  So back we go in a few weeks.  Oh, well…..she’s our baby!

In closing I would like to add my friend Valerie to our pray list.  Please pray her family gets through a tough time.  And a Happy Birthday on Friday to my friend Lindsay, who will turn 13!   Have a great week!

Hugs!
Ride,Baby,Ride!!!!!
Leilani 

At 62, one begins to wonder what happens to ones bladder, as one ages.  Bladder control is not a laughing matter.  You laugh…you pee.  You cough…you pee.  You sneeze…you pee.  You toot…you pee.  You run…you pee.  And if you are running or standing, better cross your legs to avoid a major flow.  (Seems like every blog now…I have to run to the blow dryer to dry off something).  It curious that the only time you can’t pee is when you have to.  Like a urine test.  I really hate to complain about  one of the last body parts I have in tact.  A woman gets rid of the menstrual pads and then has to purchase the bladder pads.  And you just thought the Kotex was awkward.  Select your slacks carefully.  Or else!  Or else you’ll look like you have the deformed crotch from hell.  Of course for men it just looks like they have bigger equipment….women get screwed again.

The people in Walmart have nothing on the people that dwell in downtown Houston.  I had the distinct pleasure of having to venture that far this past week.  I never go downtown unless it is unavoidable.  The theater district is pretty cool but everything else…ugh!  Now I remember why.  There is no way to describe the ensembles.  I thought my dad’s golf attire was off the wall….OMG!  I saw a pair of pants that looked like mold had grown on top of mold.  Oh, that was the design.  At least this girl was wearing pants.  The majority had their underwear or butts exposed and the pants were down to their thighs.  I felt like standing on the corner and giving out belts.  All the belts these people had were taken orally.  And they were actually had business downtown.  Going in establishments like business offices and courts.  One lady had her face cut up bad.  It looked like it had not been long since she faced that knife.  You had to keep looking around to make sure it wouldn’t happen to you.  Anyway, my point being, they need to start taking pics of the people that travel the downtown streets.  But again, they are probably the Walmart people in disguise. 

Moving Magoo’s things out has been a little tougher than I expected.  Each piece holds a special memory.  The clothes weren’t so bad.  Only because it was time for those to be ditched.  I mean the man had suits from the 70’s.  Very expensive…that’s why they lasted so long…but time to discard.  Framed pictures that were hanging were the worst.  The boo-hooing went on and on.  Nothing gets the ole heart pounding like a family photo taken in 1954.  You think back…I remember when mom and dad looked like that.  Mom so beautiful and dad so handsome. I remember my brother looking like that but is that really me.  Things were so simple then.  Dad had his war medals and pictures displayed.  I remember how proud he was of serving his country.  He could still fit in his uniforms until the day he died.  So as we pack up memories we are unpacking Dusty’s belongings. We go from 1940 radio to a 2013 computer.  Time does go on and nothing stays the same.  Nothing!  Thank goodness for memories that no one can take from you.

The mockingbirds have made another two story condo in the back veranda rose bush.  Daddy bird comes in with debris and mommy bird takes it and places it carefully in place.  Molly Maid has nothing on her.  There is not one twig, feather or horse hair out of place.  At night dad sits in the upper nest and watches while mom is  down in her cradling incubator.  Except for the excitement last night every thing remains peaceful.  The excitement last night?  A “friggin” snake…headed toward the rose bush.  Bill and I walked out to let Dusty’s dogs out and there it was.  OK…another good reason to wear a bladder pad!  With broom in hand, I was trying to sweep it back so it wouldn’t go in the rose bush and Bill was armed and loaded with the shovel.  Now if he could just aim.  The man missed the snake twice and here I am still sweeping.  Bill blamed it on the shovel…it was too pointed.  I’m still sweeping.  I could just hear all the little critters cheering us on.  Just like in Cinderella or Snow White.  After disposing of the body…in three pieces now….the frogs came out hopping, the birds were singing, and the june bugs were flying about, like “ding dong the snake is dead, the bad ole snake, the wicked snake, ding dong the snake is dead”!   

As mom used to say “do as I say, not as I do”.  Never really grasped the meaning, until of course, I had little hoodlums of my own.  Mom smoked when we were small and she never wanted us to.  She did quit..thank goodness, my brother and I hated it.  Probably why I never smoked.  But the words do fit with medical stuff.  If you feel bad call the doctor….don’t wait until it’s so bad you can’t fix it.  Wise words.  I wish there had been noticeable symptoms for ovarian cancer three years ago.  This past Friday I went in for an ultra sound of my right side where they took the gall bladder out 5 weeks ago.  Had pain in the area.  Complete blood work was also drawn.  Have not heard back from Dr. Sehorn..Dr. Bevers was on vacation last week.  I’m assuming all is well since one usually panics when you hear back right away.  Something like “get to my office …now”!  So mom…I’m listening.  And I will post results as soon as I hear something.

So my friends….enjoy life.  And you may… do as I do,  you’ll have a hell of a lot more fun!  Hugs!
Ride,Baby,Ride!
Leilani

Do you ever sometimes feel that you know every doctor of every type practice… in town?  I could be the interior decorator of every waiting room in three counties.  I can tell you which offices are boring, which has TV’s, who serves coffee and so on.  I could open a business on giving doctors advice on everything  from comfortable chairs, what to have in the restrooms, and what to offer while waiting patiently for your appointment.  Let’s face it…you are on time but they are not going to be…as a rule.  And their rule, I might add.  Bill likes Dr. Ahern’s office,  (Dr. Ryan Ahern, dermotologist surgeon),  The St. Luke’s Fusion Center (the chemo place), Dr. Robert Parker”s office(podiatrist), and Dr. Bevers office ( no intro needed)  because they serve coffee.  Dr. Odhav’s office (cardio dude) has a “goodies counter” in the building lobby that let’s you pick from a variety of things…but you have to pay.  Some doctors don’t allow food or drinks in their waiting room which is so crazy because they are the ones where you usually wait the longest.  Just about everyone does not allow cell phone use.  That I like.  The ones that use them in the waiting rooms are so annoying and talk so loud like they can’t hear what the other person is saying.  I mean would you like to borrow the one hearing aid that Bill has left?  And their staffs are so lucky.  Nurses, office clerks, lab crews…everybody….because they get to wear scrubs to work.  How awesome to wake up each work day and not have to decide what to wear.  Monday is red scrub day, Tuesday is green scrub day and so on.  Just think getting up saying ….blue day…..doesn’t matter if it makes you look fat or doesn’t fit just right…it’s a decision that every working person hates to make.  I remember changing two or three times each morning.  I’d look in the mirror and want to throw up!  I went into the wrong profession.  Dr. Kaestner (dentist) has the coolest restroom.  At the sink he gives away dental hygiene stuff.  Need a toothbrush to go…he’s got them. 

Getting old is hell!  I have noticed some of my usual habits have been expanded.  I used to keep a pair of “cheater” glasses by the phone and by my chaise lounge.  Now you can find them in every nook and niche in the house.  I have made the drug store rich in reading glasses alone.  I have every magnified power level too.  I even had Bill tell me he liked the idea of having them close by in the bathroom.  Bill puts his on to shave…..I hope  I never get to where they are in the shower with me to shave.  Probably would have to go to magnified goggles.  Getting ready to take a shower has now become an adventure.  Put down the rubber mat so you don’t fall on your ass.  Sit in the shower chair to shave and scrub feet.  Three different types of shampoo.  Your everyday shampoo, your conditioning shampoo, and the bottle of dandruff stuff just in case you need it.   Your razor, your poofer (the little cute scrub ball you wash with), we have two ….different colors…this month I have the teal one and Bill’s is yellow.  The towel that hangs over the shower door in case “Mr. Wuzzie” gets water in his eyes.  Toothbrush and toothpaste because it saves time.  You don’t have to do it when you get out and drop toothpaste on your clothes.  And of course the shower gels.  One, a manly smell for Bill and a couple of different fragrances for me.  Welcome to our million dollar shower. 

As a rule we read the manual after we screw up.  Most men don’t read them at all.  Bill thinks it’s part of the packaging stuffing.  I always dig it out and hold on to it because you know your going to need it.  The first curse word you hear..out it comes.  Did you do step two, three?  I feel I get a lift from God’s manual. Sometimes with the cancer scares and the everyday doctor visits life becomes a little over whelming.   God wants us to read His manual as we live each day.  His manual sometimes sits on the shelf for months…when we need it daily.  Just think it’s all written right there for us.  Whatever the title of your manual…try it.  God will smile!

Off to another doctors appt. today.  Have to have a chipped tooth fixed.  I would normally say my “give a poo-poo” was busted but this chip is right in front.  A mishap that occurred in the operating room during my gall bladder surgery.  Hate to think about the crap they stick down your throat while your on the table.  Anyway it will be repaired today.  Bill gets to have his favorite lunch today because the dentist office is next to the pizza place. 

Had the video made for the new book on Saturday.  Special thanks to Mike and Christina and their company “ZOOM”.  They were incredibly easy to work with and I can’t wait to see the end product. Still a few more things to add.  Bill, Dusty, and good friends Linda and David were also a big part of the video.  I’ll let everyone know when it is out.  Should be on Facebook and YouTube.

Love to all.  Big Hugs!
Ride,Baby,Ride!
Leilani 

As we sail through this month just as we have all the rest, I seem to be getting vibes to do something different.  I have recently (this past year) been involved with a group of people in the Fulshear/Katy area that meet twice a month and our goal is to help each other thrive through our different businesses.  I have hooked up with an outfit that helps promote your business through the making of a video.  So for the purpose of getting the word out about the “silent killer”, ovarian cancer, I have decided to go through with this exciting adventure.  I believe it will definitely be a plus for the cause.  I will be talking about symptoms, my experience with surgeries and chemo, and living life to it’s fullest.  It will be launched on Facebook and YouTube, as well as my website. 

Bill and I are getting used to granddogs that have moved in with us as well as the coming and goings of Dusty.  I had forgotten how much energy young people have.  It’s enough to make you inhale wine and not sip it.  Starr is better about the loss of her beloved brother Moochie and seems to be doing better each day.  I wish I could say the same about Bill and me.  I just wish we could explain in doggy words what happened.  Dusty’s dogs help by playing with her, running up and down the fence line, but she will only play for a little while and then retrieves back to the house.  Dusty is finding out what a “pack rat” Michele was and we spend hours at a time reading her notes and comments she strategically left for Dusty to find.  Quite a clever young lady.  I think she knew she did not have much time and now from Heaven, sends messages our way.  Daughter-in-law Jennifer and I were talking in the kitchen this weekend and the top of the trash can started swinging…and I mean swinging.  No one was around it and no fans or anything of that sort were blowing it.  We both were floored!  Then I was in the den and my Dean Martin puppet doll turned on by itself and started singing.  Dean is on a dresser in the office.  I was no where near it.  Bill was out mowing, Starr was asleep on her pillow by me, Dusty was at work…so don’t ask me.  I think Magoo and Michele have teamed up on a earthly visits to let us know they are fine.  Magoo was always bitching that the trash needed to be taken out (although this can was almost empty..nothing near the lid), and Michele and I used to talk all the time about me having a huge crush on Dean Martin as a kid.  Logical to me!  Just bought 2 more cases of Merlot for back-up!

Our dear friends Linda and David are helping me put the final touches on the new book.  We are gathering pictures and last minute chapter “info” so I can send it to my “main man” Tyler.  Editor extraordinaire.  Lani should be in near the end of April for a few weeks so hopefully we can tie up any loose ends at that time. She will be here for her cousin and my Nephew Ryan’s wedding.  The whole family is looking forward to that adventure.  They will be getting married on what would have been Magoo’s 99Th birthday.  With dad and Michele having so much fun in the spiritual world…I’d hate to think what they have in store for the wedding.  We’d better pack plenty of “spirits” of our own.

Doing the finishing touches on dad’s final affairs.  Letting go of someone is one thing but dealing with the paperwork is another.  So time consuming and sad.  I would say advice to anyone who loses someone dear is to hire someone else to handle the crap.  But Magoo left happy and had taken care of many things years ago which helped.  I will always be in admiration of just how organized he was.  We are still planning to have his celebration of life sometime in June.

Enjoy the beautiful spring weather.  A little nippy today but beautiful.  Feel bad for y’all up there in that snow storm.  Have a good friends who live in Virginia, Jim and Rita, who had their truck demolished by a tree branch that broke off and fell.  It was so weighed down by ice and snow.  Kinda got the feel’in that was Jim’s pride and joy!  God bless and if you hear things that go bump in the night…just smile…Magoo and Michele are on the loose!

Ride,Baby,Ride!
Leilani

I wrote this blog  being of sound body and mind…I think.  While spring cleaning I took the liberty of checking all the fire extinguishers.  Big mistake!  I do not think God in all His wisdom put women on this earth to test the working parts of a fire extinguisher.  Easy to use…MY ASS!  Let me start of by saying wear protective clothing and goggles.  Instructions go something like this.  Please make sure that you test your fire extinguisher every month.  (OK …this is the first time in 10 years.  I know, they are not supposed to be an art form just hanging on the wall for a talking piece….they are to save lives if a fire should start in your home).  First…check the gauge.  The pressure indicator arrow should be in the green space.  If the arrow is not in the green space throw it out and buy another.  Otherwise, with arrow in green space, pull the pin.  Stand 6 feet from the testing spot, aim and squeeze the handle and sweep from side to side.  May I say…that you really need to see where the stuff comes out.  The right direction is a must.  And be prepared for a loud noise.  Nothing said about the sonic boom when squeezed.  Since I decided that the best place to test it was outside….I picked a spot where I felt all of nature would be safe.  The mockingbird decided it had to be a witness to this humiliating failure of modern technology and would not shut up.  I was very tempted to show him/her how fun it feels to be creamed by a blast of whatever is in the container.  Instead …I found out.  I had that crap everywhere.  The horses took of running.  Starr headed for the house.  The mockingbird flew right into the side of the barn (didn’t hurt it) and I looked like I had gotten into a fight with the Pillsbury Dough-boy.  Only one extinguisher was tested and all will be replaced.  I will never test one again.  Thank God I didn’t have Bill do it.  Winston Churchill once said “a pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty”.  I don’t think old Winston had to ever check a fire extinguisher!

I picked up a book at the grocery store,of all places, and got the biggest kick out of a small book about God and wisdom.  It’s titled “Wasn’t it Smart of God To…”.  In it are some things that just make you laugh.  And boy, I’m looking for things to keep my mind off the last 3 months.  Wasn’t it smart of God to…..put our noses on our faces instead of under our arms–for odorously obvious reasons.  ****make the rain fall in lots of little drops instead of one really big one.  ***give us 2 ears and 1 mouth so we’ll remember to listen twice as much as we talk.  ***give us 2 eyebrows instead of one–and tweezers to help keep them that way.  And they go on and on.  I think I’ll go back and buy a couple to give as gifts.  A nice inexpensive picker upper.

Well, we have to share the not so good news with the good.  We are missing Moochie.   Our beloved Aussie mix entered his spiritual life on Friday at the age of 14.  The entire family is in a “tail spin”.  And I use that phrase because Moochie didn’t have a tail…Aussies don’t have them.  When he was excited his whole butt would wag.  Bill and I made the decision to let him go be with Lilly and the other doggy angels because he had developed a vestibular problem.  And that could have been a brain tumor.  We decided not to put him through all the tests.  We had 14 loyal- loving years together and we miss him so much.  Starr (our black lab) is still looking for him and falls asleep with her head in my hand.  Our boy is now with God and “mooching” scraps off of the heavenly plates of the angels.  We love you Mooch-man!!!!

Still miss Lani…more everyday.  Dusty has moved many of his things in along with his two dogs.  Chico is a Houdini… and has no problem opening the gate with his paw.  He reminds me of our good friends Linda and David’s dog Tanner, who does the same thing with their back door.  Like we all say…now we have to teach them to close it!  Dusty went with us to the George Strait Concert at Reliant Stadium last night.  King George did it again.  80,000 plus to see his farewell tour show.  Only thing missing was my sidekick …Lani. 

I received many funny stories about …men driving their wives episodes.  I swear, you just can’t make this stuff up.  Everything from hitting curbs, messing up the tires, scratches and dents, and having to take anxiety pills.   I’ll have to do another blog on this topic very soon. 

Have a great week.  Hugs!
Ride,Baby,Ride!
Leilani

I’m not perfect.  And the good Lord knows …I’m not normal.  But the worst part of recovery from surgery is not being able to drive for a couple of weeks.  After one week of being the stressed out passenger and not the driver, I was begging the doctors to please let me drive.  If I don’t do anything else on this planet ..please let me operate a motor vehicle.  Let’s put it this way ..one more week of Bill’s driving would have been the end of my life as I now know it!  I would have either had a heart attack or I would have hired someone to put me out of my misery.   First thing…Bill almost stops to turn.  I wish I had a dollar for every time people honked at us.  I asked him if he gets this much attention every time he drives.  His response is like… what?  He doesn’t hear them honk!!!!  I keep imagining my poor jeep being sodomized by another car behind us.  The man sailed over speed bumps like we had “friggin” wings.  He said… they should have had them painted brighter.  Any brighter and it could have been a UFO landing pad!  There is an indention in the ragtop where I had to remove my cranium.  We nearly hit a gas pump.  Don’t ask!  And right before my plea to the medical board …we nearly side swiped a truck carrying live chickens to the rodeo.  An RV full of cluckers, a mobile egg laying union of pissed off hens in which Bill honks at and had feathers flying everywhere.  I had nightmares for days about my jeep covered in chicken poop.

In my opinion…mother nature has gone crazy.  We have cardinals, blue-jays, hawks, mockingbirds, chickadees, wrens, and sparrows all mating.  No concern about intimate privacy around here.  Daddy cardinal continues to amuse himself in the truck mirrors while daddy mockingbird is trying to mate with the den window.  The hawks, I think, like to do it while flying.  The others don’t give a crap about where or when.  It’s bad when you become an expert on birds sexual habits.  I need a real paying job!

You must play to know how much fun the game is.  You can’t warm the sideline or sit on the bench and watch.  You have to play the game.  It’s not ..oh no… I have cancer, I’ll sit this one out.  It’s OK, I have cancer and I’m going to play to win.  God wants you to play the game my friends.  Have fun with life…LIVE IT!  “Put me in coach, I’m ready to play, today.  Look at me, I can be center-field”. (words by John Fogerty)  If you have not heard this song…you need to.  A perfect example of the will to play and win.  Today I am going to have a hole-in-one, a touchdown, a home-run, ace it, take the winning lap, hit a 3 pointer, score a goal or beat the odds.

Lani has been gone nine days now.  It seems like forever.  I just can’t think about it.  Dusty returns from helping her move tomorrow.  Our friends Linda and David will be over on Wednesday… so Linda can help me with the final touches of the new book.  It will then go to Tyler for editing.  So get ready for “They’re Pistols and They’re Loaded”.  Real excited about this one and hope you will all enjoy reading it as much as Lani and I enjoyed writing it. 

So…put me in God…I’m playing today!
Ride,Baby,Ride!
Hugs!
Leilani
 

On a wing and a prayer we leave for St. Luke’s Hospital in the med center.  Arrive at St. Luke’s at 6 AM.  Check in and head for the prep area.  The very first thing, besides putting an arm band ID on me, was to strap a GPS monitor on my wrist.  The nurse said she’d been warned about me…that I do not like to be confined too long…go figure!  I mean it’s not like I have spells where I don’t know where I am.  But very nice nurses and even a specialist there to activate my port.  His name was Bong.  Yes, like he and Lani informed the uninformed Bill and me, that it is pronounced just like the bong that you smoke pot from…or something like that.  Great start…!  I am then wheeled off to pre-surgery and get to hold hands with my handsome Dr. Bevers and visit with my internalist surgeon Dr. Sehorn.  No lack of scenery with these two standing next to you.  The anesthesiologist met with me and she told me exactly what would occur during the surgery.  It kinda makes you want to get up and change your mind. Then asked me to think of something pleasant while they give me my “knockout cocktail”.  I told them I’ll be thinking of Dr. Bevers naked with me on a Bahamas beach.  Score one for me.  Turned “the Bev” red!  Surgery went so well.  I left OR with 4 holes.  A hole over the belly button where Sehorn fixed the hernia and Bevers stuck the camera through.  And 3 holes under my right boob to suck out the gall bladder. 

Now, I do not have “jumdo jetters” but I don’t have small ones either.  I have always taken pride in my “tassle tossers”.  So I asked Sehorn while he was putting 3 holes under those “puppies” what was Bevers doing?  Hoisting the tit?  Sehorn laughed and said “well he had to do something…and so Bevers was left holding the tata”!  Amazing what you find out after surgery.  It reminds me of the Golden Girls episode when Blanch dicovered when you are looking down in a mirror everything looks like double chin but when you are on your back, your face looks great but your boobs sag to the sides.  Anyway, gall bladder gone, hernia repaired and NO CANCER in sight.  I was up walking around that afternoon and eating a soft diet that evening.  Took no morphine after the surgery and no pain drugs at all. 

OK”d for home.  Man, those are the best sounding words.  God was definitely there for my procedure.  What was supposed to have taken 2 1/2 hours took less.  They took pictures of the insides (liver, gall bladder and abdomen) so I have  souvenir photos.  I was told to take it easy for a couple of weeks…like vacuuming is a contact sport and no heavy lifting.  I told them I didn’t expect to lift anything heavier than a bottle of Merlot.

During all of this we get a call that Lilly’s ashes are ready to be picked up.  (Just an update…we had to put dad’s dog Lilly down the Saturday before my surgery due to her back going out).  So we pick up Lilly and bring her home on the way back from the hospital.  Her urn is now sitting on top of Magoo’s urn and I imagine that she is in his arms…just like old times.  Then…the worst day in a long time…Lani left for South Carolina.  Youngest son, Dusty, is driving the moving truck and Lani is driving her car.  As mothers and daughters do…we cried the whole departure.  The guest bedroom she was using looks so empty.  But she is starting on a new facet of her life.  A new adventure…only it’s without me.  I will be fine and while in the hospital I made a list a mile long to keep me busy.  She will be back in 2 weeks for the George Strait concert, so the next couple of weeks won’t be so bad.  Anyway, during all of this Dusty is selling his house.  Too many memories of our Michele there for him.  I can only imagine.  I feel that way every time I enter Magoo’s house.  But good news is Dusty is going to move in to dad’s to help us out here.  So instead of Lani as my guardian angel…I have Dusty.  I guess like the commercial, Dusty will have to find the “snooze button” on the rooster.  I will really enjoy him getting used to the country sounds!  So he will have his regular job and the “odd jobs” ready for him here.   It is so reassuring to have someone close to help in case Bill and I need them.  Getting old is CRAZY!!!!

So as the saying goes…”Nobody better leave the gate open”…  cause this ole broad is ready to play!   Thanks for all the prayers and good wishes.  You are all very special to me.  And the last few months I have been reassured many times over how much love of family and friends mean.  Hugs!!!!!!!

Ride,Baby,Ride!
Leilani